Zig-zagging and dodging life-stresses takes most of my time and energy. It's exhausting convincing yourself that you don't have to work. Denial. LIES. They suck the spirit from your bones as you fall farther behind.
Get back to work.
I yawn as if I've done anything today. I have no reason to be tired. I hardly have a reason to be at all. Floating through life, that's my credo. Soon it will end. Soon it will all come crashing down. The things, suspended in air, that I juggle; what little I do with my life, are beginning to rain down all around me.
I don't regret my wasted time. Or maybe I do, but I like to say that I live with no regrets. Everything that I do, I do with a reason, right? But this-- God did it to me. FATE cursed me into procrastination: failure. It's not my fault.
Where's the meaning in this foolishness? I'm just another crazy, angsty teenager--- except then it hits me: I'm an adult, now. I'm supposed to be happy with my mundane, pointless life, until the bitter end. Remind me again why I signed up for this shit?
Somedays I feel like I can do anything. In these moments of lucid invincibility, I understand the world. I gaze at the sky, and watch the people from my window and know that everything is right with the universe.
I rush off early to classes, sit in the front row, enjoy learning and genuinely love life. When my confidence blinks I have the power to remind myself that I'm amazing and it rushes back, 100 fold. I'm in control.
Chase looks at me and asks if I'm alright.
"Alright?" I reply. "I've never felt better."
He looks shocked that I can be optimistic, ever.
"I understand life, Chase. Even if I can't articulate."
"Good," he says, and stirs his coffee a little more and takes a sip. "What did you call life before? 'Mundane shit'?... You're happy with that?"
I smile. "Apparently. Is there any reason that I really shouldn't be?"
"No. Can't think of a single one." He pauses. "It's good to have you back, Zac." I raise my eyebrows questioningly. "Back from... depression. Cynicism, hatred, anger, unhappiness... It's good to have you back."
