My computer has been fucking up pretty hardcore lately. I either have to recalibrate the battery, or if that doesn't work, buy a new one. Meh. Unregardlesssss, I wrote another little emo sad pathetic woe is me post out by hand and I'm going to transcribe it here now:
"EMO NIGHT-- DAY 2.
My head is hust swimming. How can I be expected to act "normal" around the girl who, let's face it, broke my heart last night? How?
It's obvious we're both thinking about it and thinking about each other thinking about it. There's not a word spoken of it. There ARE no words to be said about it. What could I possibly say?
It just feels weird. And wrong. It really feels wrong to be forced to supress my feelings and emotions when they were so welcome 2 days ago.
I can't stand it. It SHOULD be weird. It's not really. It just....IS. We're just... friends. I have a damn hard time thinking of her like that. So now, I'm the one with the problem. I'm the one with the issue that I need to work on----not her. Her issues are about HER--- not us. NOT US. There isn't even an US, just an us.
Every sight or thought of her being that same girl who broke my heart just kills me. I can't see her that way. I HAVE to stop.
I said smitten. I bought "Dawn" incense. I cleaned my room and called her everyday. I laid in bed thinking--- no, wishing she were beside me. THESE ARE MY FAULTS. These arn't "taking it slow". They're just pathetic loserdom-- ALL OVER AGAIN. Once again, I fail at life.
Where are all those good things I was promised in life? Where are all thse reasons I'm alive?"
In hindsight, I've changed much just over the last 2 days. Like, for example, I don't think it was pathetic to buy "Dawn" incense or things like that-- I think it's really pretty cute. Like, I'm not denying the pathetic-loserdom, I'm just saying that those aren't really good examples. Everyday gets easier, in theory, so... I'll be fine. There are definitely times when I just wanna sit and listen to emo and cry or whatever, but with the "help" of Connor and Alix, instead I get drunk.
So wait, there's more-- Wanna hear why this was the worst week, potentially, of my entire life thus far? Ok, here:
A. Dawn nonsense.
2. LOADS and LOADS of seemingly neverending school work.
C. My computer is broken and as such my music is gone (it goes in and out...)
4. I spilled water all over my desk yesterday.
E. I failed my physics midterm. At least, I'm assuming I failed as random guessing can only be right 20% of the time, usually.
6. I've had the worst headaches. (prolly from stress and all the other things)
G. I ran into Natalie on monday. It actually wasn't that bad, but it's a potentially awkward situation that I'd prefer to avoid, I guess.
8. Preparing 2 chem labs this week... and doing the lab report on my own (i.e. without my partner(s))
I. I'm out of weed and money.
10. I still can't get my calculus problems that were due last monday and are going to be due next monday.
K. This was a week where physics lab was due. It sucked.
12. My posters and hooks keep falling off the walls here. It's really fucking lame.
M. I havn't talked to Corinne if 4-evAr!1! That's a bad thing.
14. I'm exhausted.
Ok, enough of that crap. Let's do the good stuff:
1. WINE
B. New Bong!
3. Lauren is going to visit me next week!!!!
D. I bought all kinds of awesome food, including Lipton Sidekicks.
5. JACK DANIELS!
F. Elysse (who gets the FIRST honorable mention)
7. Greg, Alix, Connor
H. Music during chem lab. It was CAKE today. YAY!
9. Clean clothes.
J. Going to classes again is nice, too.
11. 99 Red Balloons.
L. GOOOOOD Incense.
13. I cleaned my nalgene. (You guys remember, my vade` mecum) (and note, the Lienau accent)
N. Mrs. Lienau emailed me.
15. UNO!
P. Alanis Morisette is back on my playlists.
17. Funny P.A. cartoons that I understand.
R. I washed ALL my dishes.
19. Shooting Ian's movie was a friggin' blast.
T. Refreshing showers that really leave you feeling great, no matter what's going on in your life.
21. Not being a loser all the time.
V. New necklace.
23. Birckenstocks. Even thought I fell down the stairs with them on. ("That'll teach you to wear those god-damned hippie shoes!")
X. SUCH a good lunch today. It was everything I like, including cheese on my salad.
25. Braveheart.
Z. Pulling my life out of the gutter.
