I dunno. I used to think I was pretty good at this love thing. You know, not the best, but def. not the worst. So then I get a wonderful girl, who loves me more than I could have even imagined, and I have issues. I like, dont want it or something. I do, but it's hard. And I get scared for some strange reason. I act like I'm missing out by being in a relationship, so I don't want it. But I do so enjoy the hunt so to speak. I like flirting. It's fun. It really is. And I don't really care who it is with, either. Like, hey, if Sam wants to kiss me on the cheek or whatever, thats fine, because we both gain. It makes me feel more loved and happier, and it gives him a little kissing action. (I dunno, he seems to enjoy it).
Here's an example (another, i guess):
Natalie is in Canada. I love her a lot. I can't wait for her to come home so I can kiss her, etc. etc. I see pictures of her, and I talk to her, and I get so excited that I just want to die. Then she comes home, and I see her... and I just... I act weird. She notices, we laugh, we play around, we cry together, its all chill, but my mind is somewhere else. I read that poem "The Seafarer" and the guy keeps going out into the sea on his little Viking raiding boat, because he wants to. He gets there, its cold, he wants to go home to his wife, but when he gets home, he wants to leave again. That's me.
It's almost like I'm perpetually filled with this disgusting self-pity where I always want what I can't have-- where I think that the things I cant have would make my life perfect, but then I get them and don't want them or I don't get them and can feel bad for myself. Disgusting-ass brain chemistry with my body rewarding its own depression.
Anyways, I've digressed... like... a lot...
Love = Hard.
So I take this wonderful girl who loves me very much, and I push her away and feel sorry for myself. I don't tell her things then get mad when she doesn't understand. I think of her when I'm without her, but when I'm with her, I don't think about anything except being sad for myself. I don't even know what to do anymore. I've got these awkward feelings for Abby, which are just totally wrong.
zdurisko: i just dont know what to do sometimes
estralitaria: i know
zdurisko: i was kinda hoping you'd have more to say
estralitaria: well
estralitaria: i don't know
estralitaria: there's nothign really to do
She's right. There's is absolutely nothing that I can do. I'm always going to be fucked up in the head, and wanting this self-pity thing, just because it's easier.
Furthermore, for the record et al., I love Natalie.
I have for some time, and I will continue to do so.
I have feelings for Abby. I have for some time, and I will probably continue to do so.
Fuck this letting the world beat me down shit. If accept these things, and the people around me, my friends can also accept them, I think I'll be golden. So... please accept them.
BT-wayyyyyyy, I know I promised to stop being philosophical and such, but hey, this is me. It's what I do. I think and pretend like I know what's going on. Accept that too.
In not so sketchy news, tonight it Sunday, and therefor good. Sunday = jam bands = lack of sleep = fuck it.
FUCKKKKKK IT
Life just isn't worth the fight sometimes.
estralitaria: come ON
estralitaria: say what you mean
zdurisko: im writing about how i suck at love and how love = life
zdurisko: i suck at love and/or life
Oh, I'm a fucking mess.
I say this now, with more feeling and emotion than I have ever said it before:
Tantaene Animis Caelestibus IRAE!
